Does your child become distressed easily?
Sunday, October 05, 2025
Sunday, October 05, 2025
Does your child become distressed easily?
Sunday, October 05, 2025
Does your child become distressed easily?
Does your child melt down over small issues, retreat to their room, or lash out with hurtful words? These aren’t just “tantrums”, they’re signs of Distress Intolerance (DI), when anxiety shows up as an inability to cope with tough emotions. Left unaddressed, DI can carry into teen and adult years, impacting relationships, careers, and wellbeing. But there’s good news: Distress Tolerance is a skill that can be learned and strengthened. In this blog, Sue explains what distress intolerance really is, why it emerges in childhood, and how it affects kids and families. She then shares a simple 5-step method parents can start using today: accept emotions instead of suppressing them, notice how feelings show up in the body, get curious about what’s being triggered, release pent-up energy through movement, and practise consistently until it becomes second nature. By modelling these steps first, parents can guide their child to build resilience, emotional competence, and a calmer, more connected life.
Busy Parent Snapshot
When your child melts down over the smallest things, shuts themselves away, or lashes out when emotions run high, it’s not “bad behaviour.”
These are signs of Distress Intolerance, anxiety showing up as an inability to sit with tough emotions.
Left unchecked, it can follow children into their teen and adult years.
The good news?
Distress Tolerance is a skill you can build yourself and then model for your child.
💡 Learn what Distress Intolerance really is
⚡ Discover the risks of leaving it unaddressed
✨ Get a 5-step method to help both you and your child build resilience
Perhaps your child launches into a full meltdown or outburst whenever they feel emotionally challenged.
Or maybe they isolate themselves and retreat to their room to avoid any uncomfortable conversations or situations.
Or maybe when your child is feeling emotionally charged they become aggressive toward you by saying and doing things that are really nasty and hurtful.
I get it.
It’s not easy living with a child who becomes overwhelmed over minor everyday issues and frequently takes you on their emotional roller coaster ride.
💡 Takeaway #1
Big emotional reactions aren’t about “bad behaviour”, they’re anxiety showing up as distress intolerance.
Once you see it for what it is, you can shift from frustration to compassion.
Here’s something I want you to know, though.
These are all signs that your child is anxious and is experiencing “Distress Intolerance.”
Today I’m going to share with you what distress intolerance is, why it can be detrimental to your child’s quality of life and how to flip the script from distress intolerance to distress tolerance.
What is Distress Intolerance?
Distress intolerance (DI) is the inability to tolerate unwanted emotional states (Keller et. al 2018). Distress intolerance can lead to the active avoidance and suppression of unwanted emotions and feelings.
In a nutshell, Distress intolerance is anxiety playing out.
It is linked to acute anxiety disorders, substance abuse, personality disorders, avoidance, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders (McHugh et al, 2012).
This is why DI can be detrimental to your child’s personal growth and development.
Scientists believe that DI first emerges in childhood by actively avoiding anxiety.
A child who suffers from Distress Intolerance will have difficulty with self-regulation, hence the tantrums, angry outbursts and avoidance behaviours.
Adult’s experience this too but it tends to start in childhood.
It starts when we experience one or several moments of feeling emotionally and psychologically unsafe and it ALWAYS leads to a loss of trust which results in a fight, flight or freeze response.
Many people describe these moments as core childhood traumas when the survival operating system was activated.
This adaptive survival state is learned in childhood to cope in our home or social environment but without the right support we can then carry this state of Distress Intolerance into our teen and adult years.
💡 Takeaway #2
Distress intolerance often begins in childhood and, if left unaddressed, can carry into adult life, shaping relationships, careers, and wellbeing.
But it’s never too late to change.
This can be problematic in future relationships, careers and many other life situations if you continue to react in a state of fight flight or freeze which still presents as adult tantrums, angry outbursts and avoidance.
To prevent that from happening we can all unlearn Distress Intolerance and learn Distress Tolerance.
I often share that I experienced anxiety every day for the first 4 decades of my life and as a result I also experienced Distress Intolerance. I didn’t know anything about this until I studied it at university.
It was then that I learned that I had developed maladaptive coping behaviours to stress. And because my first daughter was showing signs of this too, I became a woman on a mission to address this.
I learned to expand my Distress Tolerance and Emotional Competence which meant I was able to help my daughter to do the same.
So, if you suffer from DI, it’s not too late. And if you have a child displaying signs of DI it’s certainly not too late. Things can turn around fast!
And the sooner you act the better.
The first step is to become aware of it, accept it and then implement my Distress Tolerance Method.
Here are the steps to build Distress Tolerance
Step 1: Emotional Acceptance
When a feeling arises such as anger, instead of instantly reacting like blurting out harmful words, acting out or storming off and avoiding it.
Start by taking a few deep slow belly breaths to calm your nervous system.
Label the feeling and allow yourself to breathe that feeling in, i.e "I feel angry right now so I’m just going to breathe through this moment without speaking or over reacting ".
Fully accept the emotion and remind yourself that it is normal to feel angry and this moment will pass.
Keep breathing deep slow belly breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Step 2: Notice the physical sensations in your body
As you begin to become more in control and mindful, try to pinpoint where the emotion is in your body.
(You will likely feel tension in your head, throat, chest or belly, or you may be sweating or shaking in another part of your body).
When experiencing strong emotions our pain receptors activate.
Often, we will feel some level of pain and discomfort physically.
Become aware of it and just sit with it for a few moments.
It’s ok, it won’t hurt you.
Anger doesn't hurt you - It’s the maladaptive response to anger that can.
Step 3: Get curious about the root of what’s really going on here
Consider if this is your child survival program coming up.
Your unconscious mind and body will be reacting to the intense emotion as a signal that the same childhood situation is recurring. Of course it isn’t, but your conscious mind needs to be activated for you to become aware of this.
The deep mindful belly breathing opens up your ability to think rationally.
Step 4: Move
Do an activity that moves your body physically.
I often find it helpful to shake it out or run on the spot or stretch and straighten my posture.
If I can, I go for a walk in the fresh air or nature and I continue to belly breathe.
Sometimes I even do a deep guttural scream into a cushion.
Do whatever works for you.
This can expel all that pent up energy and reset your nervous system.
This is how you build distress tolerance.
The method above can be adapted to anyone at any age.
If your child experiences DI you role modelling this to them will help them immensely.
Then once you’ve mastered this you can guide them through this so they can build their Distress Tolerance muscle too.
💡 Takeaway #3
You can flip the script.
By practising and modelling distress tolerance yourself, you give your child the tools to manage their emotions, reduce anxiety, and build long-term resilience.
Step 5: Practice and pass it on.
Once you’ve mastered this skill you can guide your child through this so they can build their Distress Tolerance (Emotional Competence) muscle too.
But I recommend you teach and practice this when your child is calm.
It’s too late to wait for match day and expect them to try it for the first time when they’re in a dysregulated irrational survival state.
If you help them develop a routine for managing and sitting with their emotions, eventually, they will do it on their own instinctively.
Expanding both your own and your child’s tolerance to stress is important.
If any of this has resonated with you and you want help navigating your child from Surviving to Thriving, I invite you to participate in my brand new “30-Day CALM Child GPS” for parents of anxious kids.
In this system I give you the powerful tools I have developed and used over the years to help hundreds of parents reduce their child’s anxiety and you get lifetime access.
You can learn more about this 30 Day CALM Child GPS here.
🎯 Action Steps
✔️ Emotional Acceptance – Take deep, slow belly breaths. Name the feeling. Remind yourself it’s normal and will pass.
✔️ Notice the Sensations – Tune into where the emotion shows up in your body. Sit with it instead of running from it.
✔️ Get Curious – Ask yourself if your survival program is being triggered. Use breathing to re-engage rational thinking.
✔️ Move – Shake, stretch, walk, or release the energy physically to reset your nervous system.
✔️ Practice & Pass It On – Model this for your child when they’re calm, then guide them to practise so it becomes instinctive.
See other posts like this one:
Monday, November 17, 2025
When Staying CALM Feels Impossible
This blog helps parents understand why staying calm during emotional storms can feel impossible and how to respond differently when your child is spiralling, catastrophising, or shutting you out. You'll learn what triggers your nervous system, how to stay grounded in high-stress moments, and powerful ways to repair and reconnect after conflict. Ideal for parents of strong-willed, anxious, or complex kids aged 6–18.
Sunday, November 02, 2025
Does Your Child Have a Deep Fear of Rejection or Abandonment?
Discover why school refusal, emotional shutdowns, or peer struggles may stem from your child’s deep fear of rejection or abandonment. Learn how to respond with empathy, avoid common mistakes like “just ignore them,” and guide your child through bullying, anxiety, and friendship challenges with confidence and emotional safety. Includes 7 actionable steps to support your child’s wellbeing and rebuild their trust.
Sunday, October 19, 2025
Are You Unintentionally Invalidating Your Child? How to Respond with Empathy & Support
When your child is anxious—whether over school, friendships, or how they look—logic alone won’t help them feel safe. In this blog, Sue explores how well-meaning phrases like “don’t worry what others think” can unintentionally invalidate your child’s emotions. You'll learn how anxiety disrupts their ability to process reasoning, and how emotional validation creates the trust they need to open up. With real-life examples, validating phrases, and a 3-step practice, this blog offers a compassionate roadmap for building connection before correction.
Busy Parent Snapshot
When your child melts down over the smallest things, shuts themselves away, or lashes out when emotions run high, it’s not “bad behaviour.”
These are signs of Distress Intolerance, anxiety showing up as an inability to sit with tough emotions.
Left unchecked, it can follow children into their teen and adult years.
The good news?
Distress Tolerance is a skill you can build yourself and then model for your child.
💡 Learn what Distress Intolerance really is
⚡ Discover the risks of leaving it unaddressed
✨ Get a 5-step method to help both you and your child build resilience
Perhaps your child launches into a full meltdown or outburst whenever they feel emotionally challenged.
Or maybe they isolate themselves and retreat to their room to avoid any uncomfortable conversations or situations.
Or maybe when your child is feeling emotionally charged they become aggressive toward you by saying and doing things that are really nasty and hurtful.
I get it.
It’s not easy living with a child who becomes overwhelmed over minor everyday issues and frequently takes you on their emotional roller coaster ride.
💡 Takeaway #1
Big emotional reactions aren’t about “bad behaviour”, they’re anxiety showing up as distress intolerance.
Once you see it for what it is, you can shift from frustration to compassion.
Here’s something I want you to know, though.
These are all signs that your child is anxious and is experiencing “Distress Intolerance.”
Today I’m going to share with you what distress intolerance is, why it can be detrimental to your child’s quality of life and how to flip the script from distress intolerance to distress tolerance.
What is Distress Intolerance?
Distress intolerance (DI) is the inability to tolerate unwanted emotional states (Keller et. al 2018). Distress intolerance can lead to the active avoidance and suppression of unwanted emotions and feelings.
In a nutshell, Distress intolerance is anxiety playing out.
It is linked to acute anxiety disorders, substance abuse, personality disorders, avoidance, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders (McHugh et al, 2012).
This is why DI can be detrimental to your child’s personal growth and development.
Scientists believe that DI first emerges in childhood by actively avoiding anxiety.
A child who suffers from Distress Intolerance will have difficulty with self-regulation, hence the tantrums, angry outbursts and avoidance behaviours.
Adult’s experience this too but it tends to start in childhood.
It starts when we experience one or several moments of feeling emotionally and psychologically unsafe and it ALWAYS leads to a loss of trust which results in a fight, flight or freeze response.
Many people describe these moments as core childhood traumas when the survival operating system was activated.
This adaptive survival state is learned in childhood to cope in our home or social environment but without the right support we can then carry this state of Distress Intolerance into our teen and adult years.
💡 Takeaway #2
Distress intolerance often begins in childhood and, if left unaddressed, can carry into adult life, shaping relationships, careers, and wellbeing.
But it’s never too late to change.
This can be problematic in future relationships, careers and many other life situations if you continue to react in a state of fight flight or freeze which still presents as adult tantrums, angry outbursts and avoidance.
To prevent that from happening we can all unlearn Distress Intolerance and learn Distress Tolerance.
I often share that I experienced anxiety every day for the first 4 decades of my life and as a result I also experienced Distress Intolerance. I didn’t know anything about this until I studied it at university.
It was then that I learned that I had developed maladaptive coping behaviours to stress. And because my first daughter was showing signs of this too, I became a woman on a mission to address this.
I learned to expand my Distress Tolerance and Emotional Competence which meant I was able to help my daughter to do the same.
So, if you suffer from DI, it’s not too late. And if you have a child displaying signs of DI it’s certainly not too late. Things can turn around fast!
And the sooner you act the better.
The first step is to become aware of it, accept it and then implement my Distress Tolerance Method.
Here are the steps to build Distress Tolerance
Step 1: Emotional Acceptance
When a feeling arises such as anger, instead of instantly reacting like blurting out harmful words, acting out or storming off and avoiding it.
Start by taking a few deep slow belly breaths to calm your nervous system.
Label the feeling and allow yourself to breathe that feeling in, i.e "I feel angry right now so I’m just going to breathe through this moment without speaking or over reacting ".
Fully accept the emotion and remind yourself that it is normal to feel angry and this moment will pass.
Keep breathing deep slow belly breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Step 2: Notice the physical sensations in your body
As you begin to become more in control and mindful, try to pinpoint where the emotion is in your body.
(You will likely feel tension in your head, throat, chest or belly, or you may be sweating or shaking in another part of your body).
When experiencing strong emotions our pain receptors activate.
Often, we will feel some level of pain and discomfort physically.
Become aware of it and just sit with it for a few moments.
It’s ok, it won’t hurt you.
Anger doesn't hurt you - It’s the maladaptive response to anger that can.
Step 3: Get curious about the root of what’s really going on here
Consider if this is your child survival program coming up.
Your unconscious mind and body will be reacting to the intense emotion as a signal that the same childhood situation is recurring. Of course it isn’t, but your conscious mind needs to be activated for you to become aware of this.
The deep mindful belly breathing opens up your ability to think rationally.
Step 4: Move
Do an activity that moves your body physically.
I often find it helpful to shake it out or run on the spot or stretch and straighten my posture.
If I can, I go for a walk in the fresh air or nature and I continue to belly breathe.
Sometimes I even do a deep guttural scream into a cushion.
Do whatever works for you.
This can expel all that pent up energy and reset your nervous system.
This is how you build distress tolerance.
The method above can be adapted to anyone at any age.
If your child experiences DI you role modelling this to them will help them immensely.
Then once you’ve mastered this you can guide them through this so they can build their Distress Tolerance muscle too.
💡 Takeaway #3
You can flip the script.
By practising and modelling distress tolerance yourself, you give your child the tools to manage their emotions, reduce anxiety, and build long-term resilience.
Step 5: Practice and pass it on.
Once you’ve mastered this skill you can guide your child through this so they can build their Distress Tolerance (Emotional Competence) muscle too.
But I recommend you teach and practice this when your child is calm.
It’s too late to wait for match day and expect them to try it for the first time when they’re in a dysregulated irrational survival state.
If you help them develop a routine for managing and sitting with their emotions, eventually, they will do it on their own instinctively.
Expanding both your own and your child’s tolerance to stress is important.
If any of this has resonated with you and you want help navigating your child from Surviving to Thriving, I invite you to participate in my brand new “30-Day CALM Child GPS” for parents of anxious kids.
In this system I give you the powerful tools I have developed and used over the years to help hundreds of parents reduce their child’s anxiety and you get lifetime access.
You can learn more about this 30 Day CALM Child GPS here.
🎯 Action Steps
✔️ Emotional Acceptance – Take deep, slow belly breaths. Name the feeling. Remind yourself it’s normal and will pass.
✔️ Notice the Sensations – Tune into where the emotion shows up in your body. Sit with it instead of running from it.
✔️ Get Curious – Ask yourself if your survival program is being triggered. Use breathing to re-engage rational thinking.
✔️ Move – Shake, stretch, walk, or release the energy physically to reset your nervous system.
✔️ Practice & Pass It On – Model this for your child when they’re calm, then guide them to practise so it becomes instinctive.
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Recent blogs:
When Staying CALM Feels Impossible
Monday, November 17, 2025
This blog helps parents understand why staying calm during emotional storms can feel impossible and how to respond differently when your child is spiralling, catastrophising, or shutting you out. You'll learn what triggers your nervous system, how to stay grounded in high-stress moments, and powerful ways to repair and reconnect after conflict. Ideal for parents of strong-willed, anxious, or complex kids aged 6–18.
Does Your Child Have a Deep Fear of Rejection or Abandonment?
Sunday, November 02, 2025
Discover why school refusal, emotional shutdowns, or peer struggles may stem from your child’s deep fear of rejection or abandonment. Learn how to respond with empathy, avoid common mistakes like “just ignore them,” and guide your child through bullying, anxiety, and friendship challenges with confidence and emotional safety. Includes 7 actionable steps to support your child’s wellbeing and rebuild their trust.
Are You Unintentionally Invalidating Your Child? How to Respond with Empathy & Support
Sunday, October 19, 2025
When your child is anxious—whether over school, friendships, or how they look—logic alone won’t help them feel safe. In this blog, Sue explores how well-meaning phrases like “don’t worry what others think” can unintentionally invalidate your child’s emotions. You'll learn how anxiety disrupts their ability to process reasoning, and how emotional validation creates the trust they need to open up. With real-life examples, validating phrases, and a 3-step practice, this blog offers a compassionate roadmap for building connection before correction.
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