Monday, February 03, 2025
Monday, February 03, 2025
Monday, February 03, 2025
"Stay calm. Take deep breaths." If you have a sensitive child who frequently has intense anxiety spirals, you’ve heard all this advice a million times. However, the more calm you are, the more hysterical your child gets. I’ve been there – as both the parent, and the child. It is not a positive experience for anyone. So let’s change the script.
Stay calm.
Take deep breaths.
Be their port in a storm.
Speak gently and soothingly.
Regulate yourself so you can regulate them.
If you have a sensitive child who frequently has intense anxiety spirals, you’ve heard all this advice a million times. Whether it’s during your late-night social media scrolling, your desperate googling, or your holiday conversations with your mother-in-law: everyone encourages you to stay calm, quiet, and gentle so you can soothe your child.
If you’ve given this gentle approach a try, you’ve probably experienced something like this:
Your daughter crumples to the floor beside the front door, her hands shaking, her breath shallow.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” you soothe. “School is going to be fine! Just get your shoes on.”
The bus is due in five minutes, and you can feel the countdown beating in your chest.
“I don’t want to!” your daughter screams. “I can’t do it! No!”
“You can do it, sweetie, it will be fine!” You take deep breaths just like that Instagram influencer said you should. You keep your voice gentle and calm. “Everything will be okay. You had fun yesterday, remember?”
Your daughter starts shrieking.
Sound familiar? The more calm you are, the more hysterical your child gets.
And then the bus drives by, and your child is still sobbing on the floor.
I’ve been there – as both the parent, and the child. It is not a positive experience for anyone.
So let’s change the script.
Why trying to stay “calm and gentle” isn’t working
When your child is in the middle of an anxiety spiral, their survival brain is in control. The survival brain is in the emotional state of fear. There’s no logic going on at all, beyond the primal logic of stimulus + perceived danger = meltdown.
Think of it as though your child is speaking a different language when they’re in their survival brain. They no longer understand English. They only understand Survival. And the survival brain language is one of fear.
In those moments, your child’s emotions are extreme and intense.
When you speak to them calmly and gently, they can’t really understand your words. (Remember, they don’t understand English anymore, they only understand Survival Brain’s emotional language of fear.)
Instead, they hear your emotion.
And if their emotional state is “fire alarm” and your emotional state is a smooth calm lake, they can’t connect with you.
And if you two aren’t connected, you can’t do anything at all to help your child.
How to reach your child when they’re emotionally on fire
If you’ve been around here a while, you’ve heard me talk about “Loving Connection”. It’s the L in my CALM framework.
Loving Connection is how you build a bridge between yourself and your child. Without it, you and your child aren’t truly communicating, which means you can’t guide them or help them.
Like any connection, this connection has to be based on some kind of similarity. A similar emotional field (vibrational frequency) is the foundation on top of which you build the bridge of Loving Connection.
So when your child is in an anxiety spiral, you need to be able to tune into their emotional station.
Despite what most people suggest, the solution is not to stay perfectly calm!
Now, I’m not saying that you should melt down too. You want to come in just a bit calmer than your child. And critically, unlike your child, you need to stay in control.
That’s the key to calm your child down. Your child needs you to guide them with strength and composure while matching their emotional level.
Here’s what that might look like:
Your daughter crumples to the floor beside the front door, her hands shaking, her breath shallow.
The bus is due in 5 minutes, and you can feel the countdown beating in your chest.
You remind yourself that you need to match her emotional frequency, but just a little bit calmer. You take a deep breath and whisper to yourself, “It’s not about staying completely calm, stay in control.”
“This is really scary isn’t it?” you say loudly.
“Yeah!” your daughter shouts. “I don’t want to go! It’s too scary!”
“I can see that you're really scared!” you match her volume, but keep in control. “IAnything could happen at school today, right?”
Your daughter’s voice gets shaky, but she’s not yelling anymore. “What if Miss Smith picks on me again and I don’t know the answer? I can’t go. I can’t do it.”
You match her tone, making your voice quieter and sadder. “You felt so bad when that happened last time didn’t you? I know how much it really upset you.”
To your shock, your daughter settles right down and begins to sob. You ask if she’d like a hug and in moments she comes to you and snuggles into your arms. She never accepts hugs when she’s upset like this! You hold her tightly. The bus is due in a few minutes and you can feel the seconds ticking by, but you try not to rush her.
“This feels really scary. I can see that. But you know what? You’re the bravest kid I know. And I know you can do this.”
You take a deep breath. Your daughter copies you automatically. “Okay,” she says quietly.
She gets her shoes on and catches the bus without a moment to spare.
Your child already feels scared. Don’t make them feel alone.
Tuning into your child’s emotional frequency can help you get a better outcome in the moment. It’s great if you can calm your child down in time to catch the bus!
But it’s not just about getting your child to calm down or comply in the moment.
When our children are in an anxiety spiral, they already feel scared and overwhelmed. If we keep a cool, artificial calm, we also make them feel alone. Their survival brain doesn’t feel a connection to us when we’re in such different emotional states. And that connection is what they need most of all.
By responding in this way, you connect with your child. That connection builds trust. Every time you successfully build a Loving Connection bridge between yourself and your child, you build more trust between the two of you. Eventually, that trusting and loving relationship is what will help heal your child’s anxiety and create a peaceful family environment.
It’s about more than calming your child down so they can catch the bus. It’s about showing them you understand, you care, and you’re there for them, so that you can be their trusted guide who can lead them out of anxiety.
Monday, February 03, 2025
"Stay calm. Take deep breaths." If you have a sensitive child who frequently has intense anxiety spirals, you’ve heard all this advice a million times. However, the more calm you are, the more hysterical your child gets. I’ve been there – as both the parent, and the child. It is not a positive experience for anyone. So let’s change the script.
Monday, November 11, 2024
Your child's bright, creative spirit used to light up the room. But lately, that light seems dimmed by a dark cloud of anxiety. You see their internal struggle unfold daily through meltdowns, school refusal, and overwhelming fears. Behind their worried eyes lies a sensitive soul yearning to break free, and as their parent, watching their pain is almost unbearable.
Monday, September 09, 2024
Many of us grew up hearing phrases like, "Why are you crying? I'll give you something to cry about!" These words, often said in frustration, may seem harmless in the moment but can have lasting effects on a child's emotional well-being.
Stay calm.
Take deep breaths.
Be their port in a storm.
Speak gently and soothingly.
Regulate yourself so you can regulate them.
If you have a sensitive child who frequently has intense anxiety spirals, you’ve heard all this advice a million times. Whether it’s during your late-night social media scrolling, your desperate googling, or your holiday conversations with your mother-in-law: everyone encourages you to stay calm, quiet, and gentle so you can soothe your child.
If you’ve given this gentle approach a try, you’ve probably experienced something like this:
Your daughter crumples to the floor beside the front door, her hands shaking, her breath shallow.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” you soothe. “School is going to be fine! Just get your shoes on.”
The bus is due in five minutes, and you can feel the countdown beating in your chest.
“I don’t want to!” your daughter screams. “I can’t do it! No!”
“You can do it, sweetie, it will be fine!” You take deep breaths just like that Instagram influencer said you should. You keep your voice gentle and calm. “Everything will be okay. You had fun yesterday, remember?”
Your daughter starts shrieking.
Sound familiar? The more calm you are, the more hysterical your child gets.
And then the bus drives by, and your child is still sobbing on the floor.
I’ve been there – as both the parent, and the child. It is not a positive experience for anyone.
So let’s change the script.
Why trying to stay “calm and gentle” isn’t working
When your child is in the middle of an anxiety spiral, their survival brain is in control. The survival brain is in the emotional state of fear. There’s no logic going on at all, beyond the primal logic of stimulus + perceived danger = meltdown.
Think of it as though your child is speaking a different language when they’re in their survival brain. They no longer understand English. They only understand Survival. And the survival brain language is one of fear.
In those moments, your child’s emotions are extreme and intense.
When you speak to them calmly and gently, they can’t really understand your words. (Remember, they don’t understand English anymore, they only understand Survival Brain’s emotional language of fear.)
Instead, they hear your emotion.
And if their emotional state is “fire alarm” and your emotional state is a smooth calm lake, they can’t connect with you.
And if you two aren’t connected, you can’t do anything at all to help your child.
How to reach your child when they’re emotionally on fire
If you’ve been around here a while, you’ve heard me talk about “Loving Connection”. It’s the L in my CALM framework.
Loving Connection is how you build a bridge between yourself and your child. Without it, you and your child aren’t truly communicating, which means you can’t guide them or help them.
Like any connection, this connection has to be based on some kind of similarity. A similar emotional field (vibrational frequency) is the foundation on top of which you build the bridge of Loving Connection.
So when your child is in an anxiety spiral, you need to be able to tune into their emotional station.
Despite what most people suggest, the solution is not to stay perfectly calm!
Now, I’m not saying that you should melt down too. You want to come in just a bit calmer than your child. And critically, unlike your child, you need to stay in control.
That’s the key to calm your child down. Your child needs you to guide them with strength and composure while matching their emotional level.
Here’s what that might look like:
Your daughter crumples to the floor beside the front door, her hands shaking, her breath shallow.
The bus is due in 5 minutes, and you can feel the countdown beating in your chest.
You remind yourself that you need to match her emotional frequency, but just a little bit calmer. You take a deep breath and whisper to yourself, “It’s not about staying completely calm, stay in control.”
“This is really scary isn’t it?” you say loudly.
“Yeah!” your daughter shouts. “I don’t want to go! It’s too scary!”
“I can see that you're really scared!” you match her volume, but keep in control. “IAnything could happen at school today, right?”
Your daughter’s voice gets shaky, but she’s not yelling anymore. “What if Miss Smith picks on me again and I don’t know the answer? I can’t go. I can’t do it.”
You match her tone, making your voice quieter and sadder. “You felt so bad when that happened last time didn’t you? I know how much it really upset you.”
To your shock, your daughter settles right down and begins to sob. You ask if she’d like a hug and in moments she comes to you and snuggles into your arms. She never accepts hugs when she’s upset like this! You hold her tightly. The bus is due in a few minutes and you can feel the seconds ticking by, but you try not to rush her.
“This feels really scary. I can see that. But you know what? You’re the bravest kid I know. And I know you can do this.”
You take a deep breath. Your daughter copies you automatically. “Okay,” she says quietly.
She gets her shoes on and catches the bus without a moment to spare.
Your child already feels scared. Don’t make them feel alone.
Tuning into your child’s emotional frequency can help you get a better outcome in the moment. It’s great if you can calm your child down in time to catch the bus!
But it’s not just about getting your child to calm down or comply in the moment.
When our children are in an anxiety spiral, they already feel scared and overwhelmed. If we keep a cool, artificial calm, we also make them feel alone. Their survival brain doesn’t feel a connection to us when we’re in such different emotional states. And that connection is what they need most of all.
By responding in this way, you connect with your child. That connection builds trust. Every time you successfully build a Loving Connection bridge between yourself and your child, you build more trust between the two of you. Eventually, that trusting and loving relationship is what will help heal your child’s anxiety and create a peaceful family environment.
It’s about more than calming your child down so they can catch the bus. It’s about showing them you understand, you care, and you’re there for them, so that you can be their trusted guide who can lead them out of anxiety.
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Monday, February 03, 2025
"Stay calm. Take deep breaths." If you have a sensitive child who frequently has intense anxiety spirals, you’ve heard all this advice a million times. However, the more calm you are, the more hysterical your child gets. I’ve been there – as both the parent, and the child. It is not a positive experience for anyone. So let’s change the script.
Monday, November 11, 2024
Your child's bright, creative spirit used to light up the room. But lately, that light seems dimmed by a dark cloud of anxiety. You see their internal struggle unfold daily through meltdowns, school refusal, and overwhelming fears. Behind their worried eyes lies a sensitive soul yearning to break free, and as their parent, watching their pain is almost unbearable.
Monday, September 09, 2024
Many of us grew up hearing phrases like, "Why are you crying? I'll give you something to cry about!" These words, often said in frustration, may seem harmless in the moment but can have lasting effects on a child's emotional well-being.
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