What’s Wrong with Asking “What’s Wrong?”
Sunday, July 28, 2024
Sunday, July 28, 2024
What’s Wrong with Asking “What’s Wrong?”
Sunday, July 28, 2024
What’s Wrong with Asking “What’s Wrong?”
As an anxious child I used to think there was something seriously wrong with me. In fact, for four decades I kept this a secret until I discovered there was nothing wrong with me at all. My parents would often ask…… “what’s wrong, now?" And I cringe as I recall myself saying this to my sensitive, big feeling daughter.
As an anxious child, I used to think there was something seriously wrong with me.
In fact, for four decades I kept this a secret until I discovered there was nothing wrong with me at all.
My parents would often ask, “What’s wrong, now?”
And I cringe as I recall myself saying this to my sensitive, big feeling daughter.
I can also hear the words from my siblings ringing in my ears: “What’s wrong with you?
Stop annoying mum”.
Now, take a moment to reflect on the last time you asked your child this question?
🤔 What was their reaction and I wonder how they felt?
🤔 Did it highlight that you thought there was a problem?
As parents, one of our many responsibilities is to assist our children to learn to create solutions for themselves to navigate the complexities of becoming independent individuals.
Although the question, “What’s wrong?”, appears straightforward, it tends to create more problems than you may be aware of, or may even be present.
Here are 3 reasons why:
1. It implies that there is something wrong when that may not actually be the case. As the observer, you may assume there is a problem, however, sometimes, children and adults alike, are simply experiencing an emotional moment which is neither good, bad, right or wrong. Keep in mind we only ever perceive and observe experiences through our own lens, regardless of whether it is a shared experience or not. Each person will have a unique perspective within any experience.
2. Tonality is important. Depending on how the question is delivered, it may come across as dismissive or judgemental, especially when coupled with a sigh or an eye rolling “What’s wrong now?” Even if you are asking out of sincerity and genuine concern, it can be misinterpreted based on the way you said it.
3. The question is restrictive and bears a negative connotation. The word ‘wrong' is judgmental. It denotes that there is a problem that needs to be fixed and particularly in the case of a child or sensitive individual, they may interpret this line of questioning as there’s something wrong with me because I’ve caused a problem.
The mind is very powerful and when we are emotionally charged, it can often misinterpret or exaggerate information.
Questioning “What’s wrong?” may translate to “What’s wrong with you?” to the recipient of this question.
I wonder if you or anyone you know can relate to the feeling of just having an ‘off' day. You don’t really know why, you may just feel the need to be more reserved, withdrawn or even have an emotional release.
I have definitely had days where I’ve been more reserved for no apparent reason and when people have asked me what’s wrong, it led to more confusion because I didn’t actually know and then felt like there was something wrong with me as a person that was causing others to worry because I wasn’t my usual ‘bubbly’ self. I then would interpret that as I was inconveniencing others and would then strive to suppress having ‘off’ days or moments by putting on a brave face as much as possible.
Not only is this infeasible and unhealthy but it also places unrealistic pressure and expectations on oneself. We are human and are allowed to feel our full range of emotions! 🌈
So, now imagine, these are expectations you have on your adult self. How do you think a child would interpret and integrate this information?
As you can see, it opens up numerous ways for anxiety to take the wheel and offer suggestions or reasons as to why there is something ‘wrong’.
So, what should we ask instead?
How can we better approach this line of questioning with more open, non-judgemental, and validating language?
1. Change the Language
Consider rephrasing the question to, “What’s happening?”
This offers genuine concern in an open-ended way because it is neutral and objective. It also presents an opportunity to expand the conversation.
Also, the word, ‘happening’ helps keep your child in the present moment. ‘Happened’, asks them to recall details but offers no room for present feelings and experiences.
2. Be Aware of Your Body Language and Tonal Execution
Being an adult usually entails being busy. There are plenty of moments when we are on the phone, in a meeting, working, knee deep in chores, cooking or generally in the most inconvenient situations to deal with problem-solving.
The frustration can easily creep in with a sigh, an eye roll, folding our arms, hands on hips or head or raising our voice. We've all been there. 🤷♀️
Check in with yourself first. If you note that you are feeling frustrated, take a few deep breaths before turning your attention to your child.
They are sponges and pick up on the smallest of nuances, be it in your body language or tone.
As adults, we know we love and prioritise our children, however, our children may not feel that if our tone is dismissive or body language is closed and defensive.
3. Listen to Their Story
Children are storytellers, so asking “What’s happening?” allows them to give context. ☺️
Asking “What’s wrong?” rushes them to get to the point and tell you a problem.
This can often create feelings of invalidation, inadequacy, anxiety, and confusion which can lead to less open communication and undesirable behaviours.
If there is a challenge, this may be an opportunity for you to connect with your child by sharing a story of a similar experience you had, how it made you feel and what solution you came up with.
Remember, you and your child are a team. If they fear you are judging them, your child may interpret this as you love them less.
4. Brainstorm
Asking open-ended questions promotes time to communicate and brainstorm solutions with your child.
It also encourages and establishes trust that you are there to listen and support if they are feeling worried, instead of judging and fixing the problem for them. They need to know you are their cheerleader and you will always back them, no matter what.
5. Empower Your Child
The more you validate, support, and promote your child's strengths, the more trust they have in you and by extension, themselves.
The more trust they feel, the more they feel empowered to handle challenges.
The more empowered your child feels to create solutions for themselves, the more their emotional literacy develops, and anxiety takes a backseat.
📌 Remember, it is also completely okay for your child to feel every emotion because this allows them to fully process each one. It is imperative to be receptive and allow space to facilitate this without judging what’s happening as right or wrong.
We are all human, we make mistakes and there’s nothing wrong with that. We can’t be perfect 100 percent of the time and life won’t be perfect either. The sooner we accept and role model this with openness, neutrality and authenticity, the more your child will too. Give them the space, time and support if and when they need it and remember we were in their shoes once. Let’s help them grow into bigger, better ones than our own, one step at a time. ❤️
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Monday, April 14, 2025
Screen Time Meltdowns? How to Break the Cycle
You know the scene: You tell your child it’s time to turn off the tablet, and suddenly, the sky is falling. Tears, screaming, maybe even a full-body flop onto the floor. Your sweet child just giggling at a silly YouTube video is now thrashing around like you’ve taken away their oxygen.
Monday, March 31, 2025
What to Do If Gentle Parenting Is Making Your Child’s Anxiety Worse
You’ve done everything right - kindness, listening, connection. You’ve embraced gentle parenting, believing it’s the key to raising a confident, emotionally healthy child. But now your child clings to you, paralyzed by fear, and you wonder: is my well-intentioned approach unintentionally making their anxiety worse?
Monday, March 17, 2025
The ABC Method: From Tantrums to Trust
It’s 7:30 AM, and chaos reigns in your kitchen. The clock is ticking. You’re late. Your child is wailing, tears streaming down their face because their favorite cereal is gone. You didn’t even know “the dinosaur cereal” was that important until now.
As an anxious child, I used to think there was something seriously wrong with me.
In fact, for four decades I kept this a secret until I discovered there was nothing wrong with me at all.
My parents would often ask, “What’s wrong, now?”
And I cringe as I recall myself saying this to my sensitive, big feeling daughter.
I can also hear the words from my siblings ringing in my ears: “What’s wrong with you?
Stop annoying mum”.
Now, take a moment to reflect on the last time you asked your child this question?
🤔 What was their reaction and I wonder how they felt?
🤔 Did it highlight that you thought there was a problem?
As parents, one of our many responsibilities is to assist our children to learn to create solutions for themselves to navigate the complexities of becoming independent individuals.
Although the question, “What’s wrong?”, appears straightforward, it tends to create more problems than you may be aware of, or may even be present.
Here are 3 reasons why:
1. It implies that there is something wrong when that may not actually be the case. As the observer, you may assume there is a problem, however, sometimes, children and adults alike, are simply experiencing an emotional moment which is neither good, bad, right or wrong. Keep in mind we only ever perceive and observe experiences through our own lens, regardless of whether it is a shared experience or not. Each person will have a unique perspective within any experience.
2. Tonality is important. Depending on how the question is delivered, it may come across as dismissive or judgemental, especially when coupled with a sigh or an eye rolling “What’s wrong now?” Even if you are asking out of sincerity and genuine concern, it can be misinterpreted based on the way you said it.
3. The question is restrictive and bears a negative connotation. The word ‘wrong' is judgmental. It denotes that there is a problem that needs to be fixed and particularly in the case of a child or sensitive individual, they may interpret this line of questioning as there’s something wrong with me because I’ve caused a problem.
The mind is very powerful and when we are emotionally charged, it can often misinterpret or exaggerate information.
Questioning “What’s wrong?” may translate to “What’s wrong with you?” to the recipient of this question.
I wonder if you or anyone you know can relate to the feeling of just having an ‘off' day. You don’t really know why, you may just feel the need to be more reserved, withdrawn or even have an emotional release.
I have definitely had days where I’ve been more reserved for no apparent reason and when people have asked me what’s wrong, it led to more confusion because I didn’t actually know and then felt like there was something wrong with me as a person that was causing others to worry because I wasn’t my usual ‘bubbly’ self. I then would interpret that as I was inconveniencing others and would then strive to suppress having ‘off’ days or moments by putting on a brave face as much as possible.
Not only is this infeasible and unhealthy but it also places unrealistic pressure and expectations on oneself. We are human and are allowed to feel our full range of emotions! 🌈
So, now imagine, these are expectations you have on your adult self. How do you think a child would interpret and integrate this information?
As you can see, it opens up numerous ways for anxiety to take the wheel and offer suggestions or reasons as to why there is something ‘wrong’.
So, what should we ask instead?
How can we better approach this line of questioning with more open, non-judgemental, and validating language?
1. Change the Language
Consider rephrasing the question to, “What’s happening?”
This offers genuine concern in an open-ended way because it is neutral and objective. It also presents an opportunity to expand the conversation.
Also, the word, ‘happening’ helps keep your child in the present moment. ‘Happened’, asks them to recall details but offers no room for present feelings and experiences.
2. Be Aware of Your Body Language and Tonal Execution
Being an adult usually entails being busy. There are plenty of moments when we are on the phone, in a meeting, working, knee deep in chores, cooking or generally in the most inconvenient situations to deal with problem-solving.
The frustration can easily creep in with a sigh, an eye roll, folding our arms, hands on hips or head or raising our voice. We've all been there. 🤷♀️
Check in with yourself first. If you note that you are feeling frustrated, take a few deep breaths before turning your attention to your child.
They are sponges and pick up on the smallest of nuances, be it in your body language or tone.
As adults, we know we love and prioritise our children, however, our children may not feel that if our tone is dismissive or body language is closed and defensive.
3. Listen to Their Story
Children are storytellers, so asking “What’s happening?” allows them to give context. ☺️
Asking “What’s wrong?” rushes them to get to the point and tell you a problem.
This can often create feelings of invalidation, inadequacy, anxiety, and confusion which can lead to less open communication and undesirable behaviours.
If there is a challenge, this may be an opportunity for you to connect with your child by sharing a story of a similar experience you had, how it made you feel and what solution you came up with.
Remember, you and your child are a team. If they fear you are judging them, your child may interpret this as you love them less.
4. Brainstorm
Asking open-ended questions promotes time to communicate and brainstorm solutions with your child.
It also encourages and establishes trust that you are there to listen and support if they are feeling worried, instead of judging and fixing the problem for them. They need to know you are their cheerleader and you will always back them, no matter what.
5. Empower Your Child
The more you validate, support, and promote your child's strengths, the more trust they have in you and by extension, themselves.
The more trust they feel, the more they feel empowered to handle challenges.
The more empowered your child feels to create solutions for themselves, the more their emotional literacy develops, and anxiety takes a backseat.
📌 Remember, it is also completely okay for your child to feel every emotion because this allows them to fully process each one. It is imperative to be receptive and allow space to facilitate this without judging what’s happening as right or wrong.
We are all human, we make mistakes and there’s nothing wrong with that. We can’t be perfect 100 percent of the time and life won’t be perfect either. The sooner we accept and role model this with openness, neutrality and authenticity, the more your child will too. Give them the space, time and support if and when they need it and remember we were in their shoes once. Let’s help them grow into bigger, better ones than our own, one step at a time. ❤️
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Save Your Seat For This FREE Class - Tuesday Apr 29th
Discover the exact formula that stops anxiety ruling your child’s life in 90 minutes!
Discover the exact formula that stops anxiety ruling your child’s life in 90 minutes!
Recent blogs:
Screen Time Meltdowns? How to Break the Cycle
Monday, April 14, 2025
You know the scene: You tell your child it’s time to turn off the tablet, and suddenly, the sky is falling. Tears, screaming, maybe even a full-body flop onto the floor. Your sweet child just giggling at a silly YouTube video is now thrashing around like you’ve taken away their oxygen.
What to Do If Gentle Parenting Is Making Your Child’s Anxiety Worse
Monday, March 31, 2025
You’ve done everything right - kindness, listening, connection. You’ve embraced gentle parenting, believing it’s the key to raising a confident, emotionally healthy child. But now your child clings to you, paralyzed by fear, and you wonder: is my well-intentioned approach unintentionally making their anxiety worse?
The ABC Method: From Tantrums to Trust
Monday, March 17, 2025
It’s 7:30 AM, and chaos reigns in your kitchen. The clock is ticking. You’re late. Your child is wailing, tears streaming down their face because their favorite cereal is gone. You didn’t even know “the dinosaur cereal” was that important until now.
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